What a life

I can't imagine being a teacher for the rest of my life. After two days of teaching, I can already tell this is going to be hard. Fun, yes. Rewarding, yes. Tiring, oh yes.

My first two days went well. Better than I probably expected - and I expected it to be pretty good. My first weekend was mildly productive. I'm hoping that my planning periods clear up a bit as some of the housekeeping stuff gets out of the way, so I can use that time productively. My kids are great- I really think we can make some large steps forward. 5th graders are at a good age; they're very eager to please, for the most part. I still have a lot to do on my end to really create the space I want to create, and to create the sense of urgency I want to create.

Today I had some real misgivings- I had some doubts about my corps commitment. I began wondering, why am I here, really? What is the purpose of me being here for two years? I know that God has me here and he put me here for his purpose. I know that I have great opportunities with these kids. I guess I was just feeling a bit alone. I felt like I was bearing a lot of weight, a lot of responsibility. I am capable of this, but it is just a lot- I was thinking maybe my talents could be better utilized elsewhere.

I guess that you can feel like that even in the best of circumstances. I am glad to be where I'm at, but my heart seems to wander. This morning in church I was again seized by a longing for the Word of God. THAT is what I want to teach, really more than math or social studies, to be honest. It was a great tug. It unsettled me, and made me start questioning my TFA commitment.

Ultimately, though, I am committed. The people of Israel must have often been seized by a longing in their hearts for ANYWHERE but the desert- even Egypt. But God was preparing them. Joseph longed for freedom from slavery, but God was using that station in his life to bring him to a newer, greater place.

I don't plan on being pharoah's second in command, or leading anyone to the promised land, but I know that the Lord knows more than me. I know that right now he has me where I am to teach me, mold me, and probably humble, humble, humble me. When I come out of this on the other side, I will be better for him. I know that. And like I said, the right now is so crucial for these children, even if I lose sight of it for myself. I need to protect their right now even though I am feeling careless with my own. They didn't ask for me to be their teacher, but we were brought together. I need to respect that and live like it means something to be together.