A Heart Divided

I'm not going to lie, ever. At least I will try not to lie.

Last week, I didn't want to be a teacher.

I went to Camp Ozark for a week to help teach shooting sports to the new counselors, and got offered a full-time job for a year. I really wanted to take it, but I couldn't. It simply wasn't an option to back out of this now, not when I've been gearing up for the last 5 months for this. But don't think I didn't consider what that would feel like, to work full time at maybe my favorite place in the world. I wanted to do it. I was mad that the opportunity came up at this point, and not 5 months ago. Given both options at the same time, I think I would have picked Camp. If I hadn't committed to TFA, I would pick Camp.

I have a two year commitment. A two year commitment to New Orleans, to a school to be determined, to my future students. I said I was going to do this because I believe that my kids need someone to believe in, and someone to believe in them. They need someone to be there for them. They need someone who knows they can succeed not just in the classroom, but as a person. I have committed two years to students who, I hope, will recognize that I love them, not for any special or particular reason, but solely because they are there and they deserve love. I hope they will recognize that I love Jesus, not because I preach at them or pressure them, but because I am there every day and because I love them every day, just the way they are. They are perfect, they are precious, and they are able to achieve. They can be the best.

I still am thinking wistfully about Camp. Kids arrive there tomorrow. Kids who desire love, who desire attention. Kids who want someone to believe in them. I think you can see where I'm going with this. I have some of the same opportunities as a teacher that I did as a camp counselor. My students will desire love and attention, they will want someone to believe in them. I will have the opportunity to empower my students, or break them down; the same way I have that opportunity at camp. I won't be in the mountains in Arkansas, I won't be riding boats and doing crafts and blobbing. I will, however, hopefully be equipping them with the same things we strive to equip them with at Camp- self confidence, self esteem, integrity, teamwork, and friendship. Those are things I can do from where I'm at.

Will it be difficult? Yes. Will it be something I'm not familiar with? Yes. Will it scare me? It already does. But the one thing I know, above any and all things, is that there is a reason I am here, and there is an opportunity staring me in the face. For two years, I can empower children to choose their own path. I can help equip them with the tools they need to advance beyond where they are to where they dream of being.

Camp will still be there when I'm finished with teaching. Seminary will be there after I finish teaching. These opportunities won't be there in two years.

Tonight, thank God, I have recaptured the desire to teach for the next two years. Bring it on.

Though I still have to find a job!